The Arbitrarily Random Misadventures of Uncle Chan
by Flying Pridefully
Summary: Tarmuc, for short. The bad guys have banded together, but they've got problems. The enforcers all love Valmont, and Uncle is senile! - OTHER PEOPLE ARE NOT (Disclaimer Removed, Chapter One Changed)
1. Uncle's Misadventures

Jackie Chan Adventures, Dragonball Z, Ranma ½, and Leonard Malton are not owned by me - I wish to infringe no copyright laws in the writing of this story. Jackie Chan Adventures is the idea of Sony, Jackie Chan, and several others whom I inconveniently forget at this time. That's unimportant though.  
  
It was a cold day in San Francisco, and absolutely nothing was going right. First, Captain Black had tried to fax Jade a message, but Uncle, in his unlimited wisdom, destroyed the so-called "Evil" fax machine. It was an important fax too - it had the current whereabouts of the Dark Hand - but we'll get to them later.  
  
At 8:45, the store was supposed to open, but today, things weren't even close. Tohru had misplaced his pants, and Uncle somehow ended up wearing Jade's clothing - even though it was obviously 11 sizes too small, Uncle didn't seem to mind. While Jade (still wearing her pajamas) was searching for a different set of clothes, she found Tohru's missing pants, and... Viper's mask? What was that doing there? Jade wondered. She got her answer when a scream came from the next room.  
  
It was 8:50, and Jackie had just awoke to find Viper sleeping on him - AGAIN - for the FOURTH day in a row this had happened, and Jackie had no recollection of anything ever occurring once. He quickly zoomed out of the room without waking Viper, when he collided with the still scantily-clad Uncle, now wearing only Jade's undergarments. It was official - the "In" color for the Fall Season was Senility.  
  
Jackie and Jade had to work together to try and fetch Jade's clothing and redress Uncle, and it was a struggle. He tossed, and turned, and kicked, and screamed, and eventually just got up and walked out of the store STILL wearing Jade's undergarments. Captain Augustus Black was not ready for a sight like THAT at 9:00 in the morning, and it showed. What was once a clean, white, workout shirt was now drenched in hot coffee. Jackie quickly pulled Uncle back into the store and managed to get Jade's clothes back to her. Captain Black could do naught but stand and scream in the door while his skin was burnt by coffee. It wasn't a good start to the day. Nope - not at all.  
  
"Uncle?!" Jackie asked. "What's wrong with you today?!"  
  
That wasn't a very smart question, as Uncle answered with a two-fingered slap. "You will not question your uncle's motives! It was part of a chi- spell to remove the evil from that device!" The fax machine stood still. It didn't look very evil to Jackie. Jackie also knew that no chi-spell involved wearing an 11 year old's underpants. Uncle was about to begin his chi spell when he was called from the other room.  
  
"Sensei", interrupted Tohru. "El Toro Fuerte has faxed us news of a disturbance down at the Lucha Libre ring at the center of town!" Uncle gave an "AIYA", which Tohru couldn't stand. Another paper came from the fax. "Oh no! Captain Black's superiors are telling us that the Dark Hand has stolen the talismans - again!"  
  
Uncle slapped Tohru. "Talismans are not important! What is important is Jackie's underpants!" Viper, who had just awakened, stepped out from the next room. "If I had a dollar for every time I said that!"  
  
The room was silent until Jackie spoke. "You'd have 62 cents, Viper - now please leave." Jackie demanded that Jade and Tohru escorted Viper out while Uncle pondered where the 62 cents had come from - but then ANOTHER piece of paper came from the fax machine. Tohru read it. "The Pan Ku Box has been stolen by Valmont - again. Signed Valmont. Jeez - he's not very original with these threats, now is he?"  
  
Uncle decided that he would let the villains have their fun - at least for an hour. His store was half an hour late in opening his store. He needed those sales! "Ii-yahhh!" He exclaimed. "I'm going to go buy some tea - if you have not made one sale each by the time I get back, then I'm going to do something not nice!" Indeed, he was planning something not nice.  
  
Jade sighed. "As long as he doesn't go on one of those Viagra Adventures like he did last time - that was sooooooooooooo embarrassing." Captain Black had stepped in just in time to hear Jade's line, and it was a memory he didn't want to bring back. "Don't remind me of that, Jade!" He yelped. All Jade could say was "Sorry 'bout that..."  
  
Jackie, however, couldn't sit idle and wait for a sale. He had to get to the bottom of the three disturbances - and he had to get away from the Viper! He quickly ran to the Lucha Libre ring, with Viper close behind and Jade clinging to his back without him noticing. This left Tohru standing in the middle of the store with Captain Black for about 55 minutes, until Uncle returned - and he was very peeved.  
  
"Ii-yahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!" You fools have not made one sin-gle sale yet?! What kind of apprentices are you? Lou-sy ones, that's what you are! You do no work, yet you get myyyy profit which you do not deserve! Where is Viper? And Jade Chan? And... Jackeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!"  
  
Captain Black did not like the looks of this - it appeared as though Uncle was about to crack. After the Viagra Saga, he didn't know what to expect from the old man, and the fact he was wearing a bright orange "my first bra and panty set" that was ten sizes too small this morning didn't ease Black's nerves either. He had to get away from that old man.  
  
Tohru's nerves weren't doing much better. It had just occurred to him that Uncle was the one who caused his pants to be missing. He was visiting his mother during the entire Uncle Viagra Saga, but he had heard horrible stories from Shendu, Hsi-Wu, Majin Buu, Soun Tendo, and Paco... Uncle's Antique Shop was the LAST place Tohru wanted to be right now, but Uncle had a surprise for him... an antique pair of fuzzy handcuffs... this was gonna be ugly.  
  
After Tohru escaped Uncle's clutches, he went to hang out in section 13. He noticed Captain Black curled up in a corner. When Tohru asked what was wrong, Captain Black began to stutter, trying to bring words out of his mouth that just didn't want to show up. Tohru thought he heard something about a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue with Uncle, but he couldn't be sure. Come to think of it, he didn't want to be sure. He just pretended that Captain Black wanted his coffee and was nervous without it - a much better thought.  
  
Those on the evil side of things weren't faring much better. Sure, they had all aligned with each other, and they had all twelve talismans, but there was always infighting, and no place to put 30,000 Shadowkhan. It was especially tense because Daolon Wong and Pu Kong (no relation to Daolon Wong or Donkey Kong (who is owned by Rare) or even Louie Armstrong) had learned that all three enforcers, Finn, Ratso, and Chow, all secretly harbored an unrequited love for their charming Englishman of a boss, Valmont. Valmont didn't know about any of the three, but he wasn't into that sort of stuff anyway - ESPECIALLY after the Uncle Viagra Adventure. He preferred women - and NOT of the Pu Kong or Tohru's mom variety (another LONG story). However, Hak Foo knew about all three of the enforcers' feelings, so he stayed away from Valmont in order not to make the others jealous.  
  
The first phrase out of Shendu's mouth was "Set me free so I can enter Jackie Chan's body and take over the world!" He didn't realize he already was free. The first word out of Hsi Wu's mouth was "Jade", so the author of the story fried him right then and there, to the chagrin of many around the world. Valmont smiled - well, one less person to worry about. Tso Lan, Bai Tza, and Dai Gui were playing Monopoly or something like that - some strange game where one could amass more money than Valmont. Tso Lan was playing as the thimble, his favorite. Tchang Zu and Xiao Fung were off in the den, more likely than not watching the Spice Channel. Valmont really hated those dragon-demon sorcerers.  
  
Ratso and Chow knew of each other's feelings for Valmont, so they weren't getting along as of late - but they both thought Finn was straight - a thought that, if anyone who had watched the show regularly would have had, they would have laughed at their own ignorance. Daolon Wong, however, planned to inform them of Finn's point of view. For, you see, Finn had written a poem, entitled "Ode To Val-Halla-Mont", which will not be read right now by anyone except Daolon Wong, and he'll have a field day with it. (He did) Not only did Daolon Wong tell the enforcers of the poem, but he told Valmont of the enforcers' feelings as well.  
  
"You see" Daolon Wong started, "Finn loves Valmont more than you two ever could!" "UH OH!" screamed Ratso at the top of his lungs. "That can't be possible! We - er... I am the right one for Valmont! Finn could never get the great Valmont to go with him!" Chow wasn't happy about the situation either. "Well, what are you going to do then?" Daolon laughed, and disappeared in a puff of smoke.  
  
Anyway, back to Valmont. The stuck up man in the green suit had many plans, but first and foremost was to get rich, and then find a woman so he could get rid of the enforcers and lead a normal life. He had had enough recurring nightmares about Finn's Leather Strap, and Ratso's Love Tonic, and Chow's Duct Tape To A Bed Technique that he tried to spend as much time as possible with Hak Foo, who he only knew was straight because he had found Foo reading pornographic magazines while he was supposed to be on duty - but he was still the most mature of the enforcers. Valmont really really really hated his life.  
  
Valmont had already released the demons with the Pan Ku Box, so he planned to sell it on E-bay for a hefty sum - it was encrusted in jewels, after all. His dream was to be able to bathe in a tub full of gold coins - that was also Finn's favorite dream, but we'll leave that alone. Anyway, Valmont had to check on his Shadowkhan Minions disturbance at the Lucha Libre ring - they were trying to unearth the omni-masks of power for the Shadowkhan king. Valmont jumped in his super-jet and flew towards the action. Those masks were things that he could use to rob the US Mint, or something of the sort. Maybe even hire better, less bungling enforcers - yes, that would be excellent.  
  
Whatever he was gonna do, he had to do it before Tarakudo, the Shadowkhan king, gathered all nine oni masks. If he did, it wasn't going to be pretty, and nine oni generals would be released - not to mention it might bathe the entire Earth in darkness. Yeah, that would suck. As Valmont approached the Lucha Libre ring, however, he felt ready for anything - anything except what he actually was going to see when he got there. Then again, nothing really could/  
  
Uncle was interested in only one thing. His "co-workers". He was either really senile, really drunk, really aroused, or a combination of the three. He insisted on playing strip poker with his niece and nephew, but they both backed off, not allowing him to fulfill his hopes and dreams. He did, however, find another bottle of his "little blue friend". Jackie couldn't stop him in time, and Uncle took down the entire bottle - again. Jackie could only watch in horror as Uncle once again gave his best Popeye impersonation. Jade's eyes grew as big as volleyballs. Jackie wanted nothing more at this moment than to kill his two closest relatives.  
  
Will Uncle go on another Viagra Adventure? Will Valmont get rich from the Pan Ku Box? What's wrong at the lighthouse? Find out next time!  
  
Read and review! Is it better or worse without the disclaimer? (we all know the answer) 


	2. The Evening of That Day

Jackie Chan Adventures Is NOT OWNED BY ME... OR ANYONE ELSE I KNOW... For that matter, nor is Anything Goes, the Musical. Staying on that topic, nor is Viagra, Uncle's favorite midnight snack. So don't sue.  
  
Long time, no update? Well, long time, no computer. The magic $1000 number returns at Christmastime. Thanks to Demon-Uncle, whose site I visited frequently while on the 'net at the library, for sending a review more than six months ago - dang it's been that long? It's even been long enough for me to soften my views on you know who and you know what enough to allow him back into my story. So here we go!  
  
The nine Oni Masks-of-Shadowkhan really didn't take that long to find. For that matter, nor did anything else - except Uncle's clothes. Where could they have gone?  
  
El Toro was having quite the time dealing with the 9 oni-masks, who were all returned to their original bodies by the Great Pumpkin formerly known as Tarakudo the King of Shadowkhan. He really didn't want to fight all 9 tribes of Shadowkhan either, but since Jackie was once again stuck with Viper, and Tohru and Jade were trying to reclothe Uncle, there wasn't much else he could do. Trust Paco? Nahhhh - Paco could get distracted by just about anything, especially Giant Floating Pumpkins.  
  
Ratso looked at his feet. He had flowers for Valmont, and he was gonna give them to him. This was his chance to prove that he was the best enforcer of them all and most suited to Valmont's heart. This was not to be this day, however, as The Great Pumpkin used his Psionic abilities to fly Ratso to his current location, along with Finn and Chow.  
  
Tohru and Jade were having a tough go of it as well. Uncle had infiltrated Daolon Wong's castle and wrote his name in the snow that he had created just so he could do that. Daolon sent Gan, Ren, and Chui off to stop him, but NOTHING could stop him, or barely even contain him. Yes, this looked to be another one of Uncle's Viagra adventures...  
  
Captain Black had his hands full as well. It seemed that someone had brought Jade's stupid GnomeKop toy to life and it was groping every single female it could find. Augustus took it and brought it to the Lucha Libre ring. The sight of Capt. Black relieved El Toro, but not for long enough. Things were looking a little brighter though, as El Toro managed to knock one of those Fat-o-khan on top of Gnomekop, utterly destroying him. Tarakudo seemed to be having his way with our heroes when Jackie knocked him into an onion field in his desperate quest to get away from a quite "playful" Viper. However, thanks to her skilled command of the Octopus-like- shadowkhan, Jackie couldn't get away for long.  
  
Back on Valmont and Shendu's airliner, things weren't looking up. Hsi-Wu had been reformed, and he had returned. Unfortunately, instead of setting his sights on Jade, which would have been given slightly more approval, he set them on Valmont, just like the enforcers. Thankfully, the enforcers were too busy with Tarakudo to see what transpired between Shendu, Hsi-Wu, and that rich Englishman  
  
"Well, my brother Shendu, I have returned" "Ah, good - are you Jade-free?" queried Shendu. "Indeed - but now I look for something better - something... richer..." Shendu stammered. "But no! I took over his body! That would be like incest!" "You tell 'im, Shendu, good boy" Valmont knew that Shendu couldn't hold him off forever. Hsi-Wu frowned. "I've gone through pedophilia already - let me make this number two!" That was NOT something Valmont needed to hear. Hsi- Wu then busted down Valmont's door.  
  
Uncle still had no pants. He had Jade's undergarments - over his head. That was it. To make it worse, he was now in Pac Bell Park during a San Francisco Giants game. To make things more worse, Barry Bonds was up to bat going for his 755th, and record-tying, career home run. However, a naked 60- year old was more than poor Barry's heart could take, and he collapsed. He was fine at the hospital, but never played baseball again. If that wasn't bad enough, one of the people in attendance was Kim Jong Il, on a goodwill mission from North Korea. He also had a heart attack, and proceeded to order the nuking of Canada. If THAT wasn't bad enough, Michael Bolton had just released a new CD. Uncle, still clad in just his niece's undergarments, casually walked off the baseball field to a chorus of boos. Tohru and Jade had absolutely no idea where to go from here.  
  
Finn, Ratso, and Chow were forced to work together by Tarakudo, and they didn't like it. They all knew of the others' lust for Valmont, and it just wasn't gonna be pretty. Tarakudo, the pumpkin that he was, would have none of it, however. He had the enforcers attack Jackie and Captain Black, but they stopped when a giant yellow light appeared in the sky. Jackie paused. "Is that Batman? Or is that... oh no..."  
  
Sure enough, Uncle had gone from Pac Bell Park to the nearby lighthouse, and was making a complete fool of himself. Once he got home, Tohru was gonna make sure that Uncle's physician never, EVER prescribed Viagra for him AGAIN. Apparently, while up in the light house making Batman cringe, Uncle had claimed to discover the Naked Talisman, which was actually a talisman-sized Viagra, which no one knew the origins of. This was exactly what happened last time, up until Valmont's jet crashed into the lighthouse and everyone spilled inside.  
  
"Well, well, well, if it isn't my good friend Val-ah-mont!" cried Uncle. Valmont, ever the homophobe (what with 5 guys chasing him), turned his tail and ran right into Hsi-Wu. Jade looked at Hsi-Wu and gave her trademark "Am I in trouble?" face, but Hsi-Wu just spat. He looked at her and proclaimed "Jade - you disgust me - only Valmont is right for me!" Uncle AIYA'd and Tohru fainted. Valmont jumped out the window, and landed on a jagged rock.  
  
Unfortunately for Valmont, the current just happened to drag him to the Lucha Libre ring where Finn, Ratso, and Chow were. Chow was first over, checking to see if he was ok. He was, until he saw the three people standing over him. It would have been fine, actually, if the Great Pumpkin hadn't have turned around and put him in his sights too. Valmont thought to himself "It sucks to be rich and English - it really does."  
  
"It never ends," thought Jackie to himself as he used one of the two chi- spells that he had ever heard Uncle say. The spell banished the Shadowkhan for 12 hours. Until then, he was safe to go home and most likely get molested by Viper in his sleep. She sure wasn't a thief anymore, but she sure was a kinky person nonetheless. Thankfully, the message on his cell phone told him that Uncle had been subdued and de-viagrized, but not before Hsi-Wu had lost his tail, and Tso Lan had his "mastery of gravity" one- upped. Tomorrow, Jackie thought, would be the day that he finally murdered his niece and uncle.  
  
Finn, Ratso, Chow, Hsi-Wu, and Tarakudo all were laying in their beds. They were all dreaming about Valmont. Valmont was laying in his bed, thinking of a harem - with no enforcers. It was a good dream - but tomorrow, it wouldn't be a good reality.  
  
Is Jackie really gonna do it? Who will win Valmont's hand in marriage? Will it be six months before another update? Will you read and review? What is the airspeed velocity of - nevermind. 


	3. Hong Kong Moose World

And so the Lord spake, and he said "Thou must not own Jackie Chan Adventures", so I heeded His word and did not own Jackie Chan Adventures. However, I was allowed to own 80 bucks.  
  
Well, Jackie was in for quite a long day. The Hong Kong Moose World Carnival was in town, and Jade wanted to go. To make matters worse, Uncle wanted to go too. After yesterday, Jackie was in no mood to take his Uncle anywhere, let alone somewhere where people may be present. The car ride, though only 30 minutes in length, could have been 10 hours and it would have been no different to Jackie. For you see, to keep his sanity, he brought Tohru along - but what he gave his sanity, he sure didn't give his leg room.  
  
"Aaaaaaaiya! Jaaaackiiiiiie! Are we there yet?" snapped Uncle from the back seat. "I'm sorry Uncle - not yet." Jackie spoke the truth, but received a two-fingered slap for his efforts. "We are there! Do not question Uncle!" The man had lost it. He asked everyone to get out of the car, and they proceeded to walk up the rest of the interstate, which, thankfully, was only a mile.  
  
"Aaaaaaaaiya! Jaaaaaackiiiiiiiie! Why do you make your Uncle walk so long distances? Tohru - carry your sensei to Hong Kong Moose World!" Tohru winced. "Yes, s-s-sensei." Jackie laughed to himself. Thankfully he wasn't going to have to carry Uncle the last mile of the journey.  
  
Not surprisingly, an hour had passed until the crew had reached Hong Kong Moose World - also not surprisingly, the pit stop they made along the way ensured that Uncle would never be allowed to go to Old Farmer MacDonald's property ever again. Jackie just ignored Uncle's constant pleas and "Aiyah"s and continued to walk to the ticket booth.  
  
"Excuse me - I'll take 4 tickets, please." Jackie said with a sigh. "Ok, that will be 23 dollars." The ticket booth guy was not expecting Uncle to give him a two-finger slap and demand a discount due to his senior citizenship. Unfortunately for Uncle, the discount had already taken effect and Jackie was forced to pay 24 dollars - full price.  
  
When the posse arrived at the main gate, they saw roller coasters and Ferris wheels everywhere. Naturally, Jade wanted to ride every last one of them, but her Uncle's Uncle would have none of it. "Aiyah! Jade? Can you not see that these rides are made from bad magic?" He dragged her off to the Moose World Fairy Tales and sat down for an exciting play. Jade "hmmph"d and walked off before they had started. Uncle, too engrossed in his surroundings, didn't notice.  
  
This gave Jade the opportunity to go with Jackie and Tohru on the roller coaster. Tohru had to sit by himself, and this was going to be a long ride. Jackie tried his hardest not to sit next to Jade, but he failed - miserably. The ride began slowly. It went uphill for about 10 seconds before it sped up and went downhill at a non-exhilarating speed. It was like that for a minute, until everyone got a glimpse of the structure that was ahead - a tower, which was not only part of the roller coaster, but 275 feet off the ground. Tohru didn't only "hated fish", he also "HATED HEIGHTS!" He screamed all the way downhill, but not nearly as much as Jade, who was having the time of her life. When it was over, she wanted to go again. Jackie had only one thing to say about that, and it was "No." A pause. "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."  
  
Jackie Chan wasn't the only one who had the idea of going to the carnival. Finn, Ratso, and Chow were there as well, each with the goal of winning the biggest stuffed puppy for their boss, in hopes that it would turn around their fortune. The enforcers took a good hour to play "whack-a-mole", but none of them could win the Hak-Foo sized puppy dog.  
  
"Aw, come awn!" yelled Ratso. He was coming the closest, but kept winning only Jade-sized puppies. "This thing's gotta be fixed! Valmont's gonna be soooo mad!" Finn laughed. "Yeah, maybe mad enough to kick you out and deny you forever." Chow cracked up at the thought, but all Ratso could say was "Uh-oh!"  
  
Jade, still full of energy, and Jackie, still green, arrived at the whack-a- mole stand. Jade whined for Jackie to get her the giant dog that, when Jackie examined it, looked like a giant Scruffy. However, Jackie was still reeling and whacked the enforcers more times than the mole. It looked hopeless until Jade had her turn and got every single mole. The giant scruffy was hers, and there was no way that it was going to a bad guy like Valmont.  
  
"Aw no! No! NOOOO!" cried Ratso. "How could this happen? How could this happen? Chan is SO gonna pay for this once I get my hands on him!" Finn and Chow continued to laugh as Ratso ran off towards Moose World Fairy Tale Kingdom, visibly upset. Finn and Chow took this as a sign of him giving up on Valmont, which was terribly mistaken. Finn thought to himself, "Now with Ratso out of the way, now I only gotta deal with Chow and that Great Pumpkin thing!" Wrong thought, as The Great Pumpkin, formerly Tarakudo, appeared on the scene.  
  
"Now boys," said the Great Pumpkin. "You know that Valmont belongs to only me and my shadowkhan - but mostly me. SO LAY OFF HIM!" This just wasn't going to be Finn's day. This continued when who should make their appearance but the 8 dragons - ah, what a wonderful day it was to be alive... or not.  
  
This was about the time that a scream from Hong Kong Moose World Fairy Tale Kingdom pierced the air. "No doubt about it," thought Chow, "that's definitely Ratso." The two remaining enforcers went to see what was wrong with their buddy, and they came upon quite the horrifying sight. Uncle had ripped apart all the fairy tale costumes and was wearing the Princess' get- up. Jackie knew one thing. He wasn't going to be allowed to go to Hong Kong Moose World anymore - and for that matter, neither was Jade. "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."  
  
How will Uncle explain himself? You'll just have to find Chapter 4, when it comes out eventually - or just make something up yourself. 


	4. Hopefully, Your Day Isn't Like This

I do not own Jackie Chan Adventures. I do not own the Montreal Expos (yeah, I'm just about the only one.) I do not own Sorcerer Hunters. I do not own Celebrity Jeopardy. If I did own any of these, I'd have a lot more deductions for my tax report - you know, if I had one in the first place.  
  
It was a long trip back from Hong Kong Moose World, and everyone stayed silent. Everyone knew that Uncle would have to explain himself when he got home, and explain himself he would. Jackie really wanted to know how Uncle had A) Destroyed several machines, and B) Found his way into a pretty princess' outfit that was clearly six sizes too small. Jade was bitter that she would not be allowed to attend Hong Kong Moose world until she was 35, thanks to her uncle. Captain Black had his coffee, so he really didn't care.  
  
Jade was the first to speak up. "Hey - why don't we play the license plate game?" she asked, forcing a smile and laugh. "I'll start - look over there - it's California 777-777!" Feeling grateful that at least Jade could muster a smile, Jackie went along. "And there's one that says MUN-K33! I wonder who that could belong to?" Unfortunately for Jackie, it belonged to the dreaded Monkey King, who proceeded to slash the tires on the car and leave everyone stranded on the side of the road. Thankfully, it was only about a mile to their house, so they could walk home. However, Uncle had other plans first.  
  
"AAAAAIYYYAH! Princess outfit not suited for Uncle! How did Uncle get in princess outfit? Jackiiiiiiiiiiiie! You did this, didn't you! You made fun of your poor Un-cle! AAIYAH! Uncle needs to use rest-rooooom! Jackie!!! What did you do with rest-roooom?" Jackie sighed. Uncle needed to hold it for another 10 or 15 minutes until they were home. This wasn't to be the case, however, as Uncle sped into the woods.  
  
Jackie decided he had gotten tired of being a good nephew and got a cab home with the others. When they arrived home, they were shocked to see that Uncle had A) Gotten better, B) Gotten there before them, and C) Got on the news in between. Apparently, a parade was going on through the other side of the woods, and Uncle, still in princess getup, somehow managed to get in the lead of the parade. He then proceeded to take out the entire marching band, and began to improvise madly on the trumpet, for all to see. Now Jackie not only needed one explanation, he needed two.  
  
"Uncle?" he started, "Exactly what happened at the Hong Kong Moose World Fairy Tale Village that got you to GO INSANE?" Uncle sniffed. "Machine look at Uncle funny, so Uncle give machine a PIECE OF UN-CLE!" Jackie didn't like this explanation, so he countered. "How did a machine look at you funny, Uncle? IT'S A MACHINE!" Uncle changed his story. "Machine was full of DARK MAGIC!" This explanation didn't suit Jackie's tastes either.  
  
"Maybe he was just a little rowdy, that's all?" came a voice from the kitchen. Jackie knew who it belonged to, and he wasn't happy. "What are you doing here, thief?" he demanded. "Ex-thief, darling." responded Viper, now in the doorway. Unlike Jackie, Jade was very happy to see her. "Hiya, auntie Viper!" she squealed with joy. Why Jade called her "auntie Viper" was not something Jackie wanted to find out anytime soon, though he had a feeling it had to do with the upcoming trip to Las Vegas sponsored by Section 13. Less than a minute later, the doorbell rang again. It was El Toro and Paco. Well... El Toro and a stuffed mannequin that looked like Paco. El Toro knew that Uncle and Jade were never very kind to Paco, and after what Uncle had done recently, he was not going to let Paco come within 1000 feet of the Chi Wizard. Viper interrupted again. "I'm going to go clean up now - wanna watch, Jackie-chan?" "Jackie-chan" Chan simply responded "No. I have better things to do.", which elicited a "I don't have better things to do!" from Uncle, who was restrained by El Toro.  
  
However, someone really did want to watch Viper "clean up". This person was intently staring at his crystal ball, waiting for the moment of truth. She was walking into the bathroom, undoing her bathrobe. It was almost totally off now - just three more seconds. Just -  
  
"HEY BIG D!" The image on the crystal ball faded one second too early. Daolon Wong had been foiled by his own henchmen, and began to cry. "Hey, Big D" repeated Gan. "What's wrong?" Daolon Wong sniffled, knowing that he'd have to wait another day to get his fix of Viper. The sad thing was, this happened at the same time every single day. Daolon Wong's enforcers always seemed to screw things up, just like Valmont's enforcers. Daolon was glad about one thing. He was sure that Gan, Ren, and Chui didn't feel the same way about him that Finn, Ratso, and Chow felt about Valmont. He was sure about that, wasn't he?  
  
Daolon Wong needed to get the enforcers out of his room. "Be gone! I'm researching... um... powerful Dark Chi magic spells! That's it! Now be gone before I... destroy you all!" The enforcers left in a hurry. Now Daolon could get back to watching Viper. Or not, seeing as the second he reactivated his crystal ball, she had already finished "cleaning up" and had left the bathroom. The next thing the enforcers heard was "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"  
  
A man walked into Uncle's shop. He was looking for an antique to get his wife, so he sought the advice of Uncle at the front desk. Jackie was standing by in case Uncle made any rash decisions. Knowing Uncle, he did. When the man asked for something romantic, Uncle pointed out the "Antique Erotic Uncle Action Figure", which, naturally, was a terrible seller. Jackie pointed to a beautiful vase on the third shelf. The man agreed with him, and Jade agreed to retrieve it. Unfortunately for Jade, she tripped off the shelf, broke the vase, and decapitated the "Antique Erotic Uncle Action Figure, now with removable clothing!" Uncle was shocked. He started screaming about how all his chi was stored in that "Antique Erotic Uncle Action Figure with removable clothing and dominatrix-whip-just-like-in-real- life". Uncle continued his screaming. "I'm melt-ing! Mellllllllting!"  
  
Uncle wasn't melting, but somehow, his clothes had melted off his body. He rushed into the street. Once again, Uncle was up to his old college tricks, except this time, he was 60 years old. All Jackie could hear was "AIYA"s, the screeching of car brakes, and women screaming and telling their children not to look. Jackie turned and smiled at the man again. "We can give you this - for free." He pointed at his niece, but the man thought he was pointing at a VERY expensive vase on the bottom shelf, so he took it and left, just as Tohru walked downstairs. He paused, and looked at Jackie, very confused. "Um... why did you just sell Uncle's explosive priceless ming vase to Bill Clinton?" Jackie gulped. "Oops."  
  
A group of bad guys had been trying to get that exploding vase for days. Naturally, this group was Finn, Ratso, and Chow. They figured that whoever got the vase to Valmont would be the one to get Valmont's heart back in return. The three of them mugged Bill Clinton and stole his vase. They decided to play Rock Paper Scissors for it. It was pretty even until Uncle streaked by on top of a bus, causing Finn to drop the vase on the ground, making it explode and sending everyone off into the distance.  
  
Hsi-Wu was flying around the city, thinking to himself. Sure, Jade was a cute kid and all, but she was no Valmont. He was so engrossed in thought that he didn't even notice the group of men flying through the sky until they hit him and sent him all the way to Valmont's headquarters, just where he wanted to be, but where Valmont didn't want him.  
  
"Why, Hsi-Wu, how good to see you.", Valmont sneered with sarcasm. Of all the dragons he could have ended up in the same room with, it had to be this one. He even would have preferred Bai-Tza pretending to be his bath water again. Well, maybe he wouldn't. Okay, he definitely wouldn't, but he still didn't want Hsi-Wu in his presence. Hsi-Wu looked down at Valmont and handed him some flowers, and flew off. Maybe one day Valmont would be his. Valmont did think they were pretty flowers - until Uncle streaked by and they magically wilted. Five seconds later, Jackie ran by trying to catch him. Then he was crushed by the enforcers. Bill Clinton was the first to get up, and he walked into Valmont's office. "Hey", he asked. "Wanna be my intern?"  
  
Will Jackie catch Uncle? Will someone ever win Valmont's affections? Will Daolon Wong ever get to see Viper take a bath? Where does Bill Clinton factor into this? Find out the answers to anywhere from none to all of these questions in chapter 5 of The Arbitrarily Random Misadventures of Uncle Chan! 


	5. The 9th Oni Mask Plot Hole Fever!

I don't own JCA. I don't own JCA. I don't own JCA. Hmmm... that didn't work. Someone told me if I said that three times, then I would own JCA. But it didn't work. I'll get that guy when I find him. Last time I take advice from some guy named John Kerry. A/N: Now see me at ran through the town in his birthday suit. This was getting to be quite the normal occurrence for Jackie. Uncle was getting really predictable these days. He'd probably run into the donut shop and spill hot coffee on himself next. To no one's surprise, that's exactly what happened. The old man ran through the San Francisco streets yelling "AIYA! MY LAP! AIYA! MY LAP!" at the top of his lungs, as was getting to be the case quite often.  
  
It had been three months since the moose world incident. Uncle had been pulling the same stunts every day since then, and most of San Francisco had noticed him running through their streets at least twice. It was the same routine every day - except today. Where Jackie expected him to make a left, he made a right - onto the freeway. He ran through several cars and caused an 8 car pileup. He was dangerous when scantily clad, that's for sure.  
  
Jackie pulled out his last stop. The tranquilizer gun. He took one shot at Uncle and brought him down. The J-Team had collected 8 of the Oni-Masks, all twelve talismans, and several other things, and didn't need this as a distraction. Jackie brought his uncle back to the shop and left him in Tohru's care. He needed to find that last oni mask.  
  
The 9th and final Oni Mask was placed in a very precarious location, much like all the other ones. This one was used as a decoration for Mama Tohru's bathroom. Jackie knew that this was going to be a difficult task, and it would proceed to get even more difficult, as Jade popped up right behind him, with a bikini-clad Uncle in tow.  
  
"AIYA! Why do we go in spider woman's house? She is eeeevil! Like magic waffle iron forged of dark magic! She is eeeeeevil! Tohru? Why is your mother so eeeeevil?!" Uncle demanded. Just to make sure everyone got the point, he continued "Uncle does not like tarantula lady! She calls Uncle billy gooooat! She is more evil than fax machine! She is eeeevil! I do not like her!" Jackie sighed. Why did Jade have to bring Uncle along? Why? Why? He was just going to get in the way, buy a chest hair tattoo, and go cannonballing into the nearest swimming pool, like at the premiere of the latest Tom Hanks movie he went to.  
  
There was one person who really didn't want Jackie to find that last mask. Tarakudo? Kind of, but not quite. Daolon Wong? Why would he care? No - this person was Valmont. Valmont had come to the realization that every time a new character showed up, they would randomly fall in love with him. This was a fact that irritated him to no end. Valmont refused to be part of that game any longer, so he went to look for the mask himself.  
  
Mama Tohru walked into her living room to find the J-Team. "What are you doing here - and why did you bring billy goat with you, huh?" Uncle began to steam, but Jade held him back. Even when wearing a bikini and body frosting, the old man put up quite a fight. Jackie tried to explain the Oni Mask situation to Tohru's dear mother, but she would have none of it. "That mask is part of my display! You can't have it!" KNOCK KNOCK! Went the door. Mama Tohru went to it and opened it slowly. There was Valmont, flanked by Ratso, Finn, Chow, and Bill Clinton. He demanded the last oni mask. "Sorry, Chan, but for my own safety, I just can't allow you to rejoin those nine masks! Now I'll be taking it and be on my way!" Unfortunately for the Big V, Mama Tohru wasn't going to let him get off that easily. "No one is having this mask!" she repeated. She walked back to her bathroom and removed it from its pedestal for all to see. "It belongs to me!" Uncle didn't help matters by suggesting it was his turn for a "Demon Behind" like episode.  
  
Perfect entrance opportunity for... The Great Pumpkin! Er... um... Tarakudo, king of all Shadowkhan. This mask needed to be his, as he had lost 8 of them already. Or would it? Perhaps if he just let Chan rejoin all 9 masks, his plan would be a lot easier. Why didn't he just think of that in the first place? "Why didn't I think of that in the first place?" Tarakudo then said out loud to himself. Hak Foo responded. "Because you're a big stupid floating head?" Um... bad answer. Hak Foo was mentally thrown through 11 walls and Mama Tohru's neighbor's house collapsed.  
  
Tarakudo glared at Tohru's mother, and then went googly-eyed at Valmont. This gave Uncle just enough time to attach the 9th Oni Mask to his rear end and "woop woop woop" his way out of the house. Jackie hit himself in the forehead and sighed. For some reason, he knew that was coming. He took out the tranquilizer gun and ran out of the house again. How many times would he have to sedate Uncle in 24 hours before he finally got the message? Probably around 6.4, but no one was counting.  
  
It took a couple of minutes before the Great Pumpkin realized what had just happened. "GET THEM!" he screamed to Hak Foo, as well as Valmont's enforcers. The chase began in earnest, and it continued through the streets. Even normal citizens were caught up in it, and by the time Jackie reached Main Street, a good 1,500 people were chasing after the guy with a halloween mask duct taped to his bottom. Uncle raced towards Section 13, not knowing what would happen when he reached it. Valmont knew, though, and he was not gonna let it happen.  
  
Big V dove in front of Uncle, tripping him in the street. Both of them were trampled, but the mask was still firmly attached to Uncle's bottom, and it was talking, much like Ikazuki had been doing before. "Get me to Section 13!" it repeatedly hissed, and that's what Uncle was doing.  
  
Uncle arrived at section 13, but couldn't get in. Thankfully, Captain Black had locked all the exits and entrances. The old man was cornered against a brick wall until he spotted the bottle of Viagra (or Cialis if you prefer) on the ground. In a scene straight from Popeye, Uncle took in the entire can and Jackie knew that "The Demon Behind" saga wasn't quite over yet.  
  
Yes, A Short Chapter, but a filler for the next one, which will be the longest chapter yet - The Reunion of the 9 oni masks and the trouble with Oni Generals!  
  
Read and Review! 


	6. To The Highest Bidder

Ah yes - the annual disclaimer. I don't own Jackie Chan Adventures. It gets harder and harder to create another disclaimer for each chapter. Somehow I'll manage. Maybe not this time, but in the future. Just remember that I don't own Jackie Chan Adventures. Or any of the talismans. Or any of the Oni Masks. A/N: Now see me at Voice* - Last time, on Jackie Chan Adventures! Uncle had taken in a bottle of Viagra and had the last Oni Mask attached to his rear end. He was heading towards section 13, where we cornered him.  
  
*Normal Voice* - Uncle was backed up against the wall. His pills weren't exactly taking effect - or were they? All of a sudden, Uncle's arms of all things went up like Frankenstein and he started calling for brains. He looked in Jade's ear and continued his search for brains. His mannerisms scared all of the J-Team away, until Jackie realized what he was up to. By then, it was too late, and Uncle had breached section 13.  
  
Uncle's rear end was guiding him to the masks of the Oni. Once he made it there, the mask separated itself from him, and he was incredibly disappointed. The rest of the JCA cast arrived just in time to see the masks lift off the wall and spin around in a circle. A giant pillar of shadow appeared in the center of the circle, and the Oni Generals stepped out of it, one by one. Tarakudo was the last to step out of the circle, and was pretty amazed to find that he had a body. He looked over at Valmont.  
  
"Hey, Big V - what d'you say? Quite the hot bod, isn't it?" Valmont just shuddered. He turned to Hak Foo. "He's freaking red! A red-skinned demon!" Tarakudo heard him, "Now, now, big V, that is your name for the reasons I think, right? *Wink* But I digress. Skin color shouldn't matter in this example - all that matters is that we care about each other!"  
  
Valmont turned a shade of red similar to Tarakudo's. "Um... how long have we cared about each other?" Tarakudo was obviously not pleased by this answer. He was about to respond to that when the Seventh Oni General, the one whose face Valmont previously wore, pushed him aside. He looked at Valmont. "He had my face. He had me inside of him. He is mine!" Just about everyone in the room was taken aback by this statement - and Valmont looked especially sick. He only got sicker when the Second, Fourth, and Fifth Oni Generals (namely the one Ratso wore, the one Captain Black wore, and the one Finn's rear wore (a.k.a. Ikazuki)) began dancing all over section 13 in an incredibly "attempt-at-seduction-but-not-at-all-seductive" way. Shendu's eyes were the size of dinner plates, and Po Kong's eyes were the size of Shendu. Daolon Wong couldn't teleport himself out of there fast enough.  
  
Uncle was not happy that the attention was not on him. Jackie was unhappier that Viper was on him. Jade had just knocked out 7 of Paco's teeth. Only one of the three did anything about it. Uncle put his pants around his ankles, hoisted Valmont over his shoulder, and ran out of section 13 as fast as he could. With the love interest of a good 15 percent of the cast of Jackie Chan Adventures in his possession, he would be the center of attention for sure.  
  
Uncle forgot how fast a love-struck Dragon-Demon sorcerer could travel. Seconds after hitting main street, he found himself face-to-ugly face with Hsi Wu, the sky demon / pedophile. Hsi Wu demanded the release of his own Valmont, but he wasn't gonna get it. Uncle had packed several things in his boxers for an escape route, and he pulled out lipstick. He spread it all over his lips and gave Hsi-Wu a big wet one. Valmont could only look on in shock and disgust as Uncle pulled two other things out of his boxers. The monkey talisman and his snake... talisman. He turned invisible and turned Valmont into a kitty (to the adoration of female fans everywhere). Uncle then hiked back to section 13 with kitty-Valmont in tow.  
  
Before he could go after Valmont, Tarakudo had to deal with his oni- generals. The provacative dancing ones from earlier had invaded the seedy side of San Fran and were disgusting everyone in sight. Big T could really use that senile guy's chi-spell right about now. The only way he knew how to get the attention of oni generals was with beef jerky, and for some reason, he had that in spades. He held it out and brought the generals towards him, where he knocked them all unconscious and put them in sarcophaguses. He then buried them 60 feet underground. That was the end of them. (As expected, it wasn't). Tarakudo then used his mental powers to search for Valmont. All his senses were picking up was a kitty, so he ignored them, thinking love was making his brain go awry.  
  
Once Uncle got in his car, he turned Valmont into a human again and drove off on to the freeway. Valmont had absolutely no idea what was happening. "Old man, what in the blue smurf are you doing, and where are you taking me?" Uncle didn't answer, but the look on his face said something was wrong. Valmont turned around to see the Oni-General Mobile, with Tarakudo at the helm, following them. A perfect time for the policeman to pull him over for speeding. Tarakudo pulled over as well, and it looked like a fight was going to ensue.  
  
Or was it? Uncle grabbed Valmont and removed the rabbit talisman from his boxers. He sped off at about 220 miles an hour and got back to the shop within minutes, where Jackie, Viper, and Jade were waiting for him. Valmont asked to be excused, and went to the bathroom. Vomiting continued for the next 20 minutes. He looked to be okay - until he went for the soap dispenser. Instead of soap, he got shadows. He knew where this was going, but it was too late. He was cornered in Jackie Chan's bathroom with the Seventh Oni General. He did the only thing he could - scream like a little girl.  
  
Uncle barged into the bathroom. He was wearing a skintight blue jumpsuit. Most definitely Viper's. To Jackie, this meant Viper was walking around somewhere scantily dressed - whether it be of Uncle's doing or her own, he didn't care to know. He did know, however, that she was eventually going to find him, and he knew that the moment was when he got tapped on the shoulder and heard "Hey, handsome." He didn't turn around.  
  
Uncle took on the 7th Oni General by himself. Somehow, Viper's clothing granted Uncle the same maneuverability it granted Viper. That included splits. He repeatedly whooped on the general before tossing him out the window. Valmont was safe - relatively - for now. Uncle still relished having Valmont in his possession, and Valmont was just glad that it wasn't Hsi-Wu.  
  
The doorbell rang. It was the enforcers. Ratso spoke up. "I - er.. We want Valmont, and we know that you guys have him!" Jackie frowned. "I really don't care, but if we do have him, Uncle's got him, and messing with Uncle isn't smart." The enforcers didn't care. They had all agreed to team up until Valmont was theirs again - except Hak Foo, who sat on his bed reading girlie magazines. Until - that is, he spotted Tarakudo in one of them. That was not a pretty sight. Especially when it came out of the magazine and took Hak Foo with him.  
  
Daolon Wong sat by his meditation pot, uttering his dark chi spells, expecting to see Viper in the bathtub. He was unpleasantly surprised to see Jade... and his enforcers? Gan, Ren, and Chui were playfully giving the 7- year-old (she's officially 7) a bath - and Daolon was mighty irritated. He turned his attention to the next room, where Valmont was stuck with Uncle. Daolon was relieved. It was better than the last time he had checked on Uncle, who at that time had made a chi-spell to give himself a D-cup. Much better.  
  
Uncle needed to make news again. He needed something. His acts of putting on women's clothing or just no clothing at all were getting stale fast. There had to be something that he could pull off after Valmont had been taken from his clutches through the actions of his nephew. He had it. An idea. He whispered it to Valmont, who screamed immediately. Whatever it was - it was not pleasant. Not at all.  
  
Uncle also decided to let Valmont go. Not just to anyone, but to the highest bidder. He made an announcement, and got the public TV go ahead - but he was going head to head with Survivor. Valmont was not too pleased about being merchandise in an auction - especially one that could be won by Hsi-Wu, Tarakudo, or Finn. Especially not Finn.  
  
The stage was set for the auction. The starting point for Valmont was 60 dollars. Someone had to win the guy, and it really didn't matter to Uncle who did it. The first bid came in after 28 seconds. 65 dollars - from Finnhalen. Valmont grimaced. He was not going to Finn, even if his life depended on it. The next bid came in. 72 dollars, from GreatPumpkin. Obviously Tarakudo. Not exactly Valmont's favorite either. Finnhalen responded with 76 dollars, and was topped by Jadesex (pronounced Jade's ex, you pervs) at 80 dollars. That was someone else Big V didn't want to see in the near future.  
  
The next bid was 83 dollars, from the 7th Oni General, who creatively chose the screen name of OniGeneral7. Ratso was up next with 91 dollars as HornedKing, and the bidding continued. The price had reached all the way up to 157,000 dollars when another bidder appeared - the Monkey King, at 157,500. Valmont had absolutely no idea who the monkey king was, but he figured it wasn't good. Finnhalen drove the price up to 158,000, and there were then only 10 minutes left in the auction. For some reason, Valmont was strapped to a table throughout the entire thing. The last bid was placed at 175,000 dollars. The winner of the bid was... Bartholomew Chang? What did he want with Valmont?  
  
Chang came by the next day to accept his prize. He paid Uncle the $175,000 and left with Valmont. He was probably mauled by Tarakudo on the way home, but Uncle didn't care. He had the money he needed. He called Jackie. "Jaaackie! Uncle has money to take private charter on vacation! You make sure someone watches shop while Uncle is gone!" Jackie frowned. "Um... Uncle? May I ask where you are going?" Uncle happily responded. "Austrail- aiya!" Jackie continued to frown, and hung up. What was Uncle planning to do in Australia? Find his way into a marsupial's pouch? Check for the Coriolis (water-spinning) effect in 35,000 toilets? Bring a non endemic animal into the country? He was really worried.  
  
Jade sighed, and then started whining. "Oooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I wanna go to Austrailia! I've never been there! I wanna go!" Jackie silenced her. "Yes you have! You went there with us when we stopped Shendu from messing with the Book of..." he stopped, and then his eyes grew wide. "You've gotta be kidding me."  
  
Is Uncle going to Austrailia for the Book of Ages? Or is he just going there to cause havoc? Maybe a little bit of both? Find out in chapter 7 of the Arbitrarily Random Misadventures of Uncle Chan! 


	7. The Book of Ages

After 6 chapters, I still don't own Jackie Chan Adventures. You'd think that by now, I'd have some sort of dibs on it, but no. I don't own Jackie Chan Adventures. I never will own Jackie Chan Adventures. Let's see if anything changes after the 7th chapter. What will Uncle do in Austrailia? Can Jackie catch up to him in time? Let's find out!  
  
Uncle was seated in the co-pilot's seat. This was a two person flight, and the person sitting next to him flying the plane looked suspiciously like Dr. Phil. Uncle didn't like Dr. Phil, so he pulled some chloroform out of his boxers and knocked the guy unconscious. Now, we don't know where Uncle learned to fly a plane, but he did, and he was flying it all the way to Austrailia.  
  
Jackie needed to catch Uncle fast. If that old man was going for the Book of Ages, there was no telling what kind of damage might ensue. He might make himself owner of an adult magazine! He might make Jade stay forever! He might change the name to Fredrick's of Hollywoods to Uncle's Skimpy Finds! He had to be stopped, and Jackie was the only guy who could do it - unless of course, Jade had her say in it.  
  
"Jackie - you can't do this alone - you need..." she was muffled by a piece of duct tape. "I do not need the J-Team. I can handle this by myself." With that, he left in Captain Black's mobile operations unit. The two of them were heading to Austrailia to stop Uncle. Captain Black really didn't want to know what Uncle could do with super powers, as he had seen what happened during the Viagra Adventure of '91. And the Viagra Adventure of '94. And the Cialis Escapades of '96. And the Levitra Fiasco of '97. And the Preparation H Debacle of '99. And the list goes on. Let's just say Captain Black did not want to be anywhere near Uncle.  
  
Uncle arrived in Austrailia rather early. His first and foremost goal was to get himself on Austrailian National Television. He accomplished this by jumping inside a marsupial's pouch. Jackie knew he was going to try that at least once. He followed this up by mauling the Crocodile Hunter during a live telecast. Apparently what set him off was the Hunter saying "Why look at this fine specimen of complete flat-chestedness." Seeing as that was true, no one could figure out why Uncle attacked. He did though. The Croc Hunter was in the hospital for 11 weeks.  
  
Jackie and Captain Black came into Austrailia about an hour after Uncle did. They could see the carnage everywhere. He brought in about 15 animals that weren't supposed to be in Austrailia, and they multiplied like Jades when facing Po Kong. Jackie was quite displeased to see the story about the Crocodile Hunter on the news, so he flipped the channel.  
  
"There has been a massive car explosion on the interstate in San Francisco, USA, my friends. Apparently, a car carrying a rich Englishman was attacked by a red skinned demon with a lot of white facial hair. The demon then abducted the Englishman. His whereabouts are currently unknown. If you have any information, please call the hotline as soon as possible." Jackie also figured that that was bound to happen. You couldn't have Valmont for more than 5 minutes in that town without getting mauled or shot. The Helms Fish Cannery had basically turned into a JCA brothel in the span of three weeks. Valmont was the most popular guy in San Francisco, even outdistancing the mayor.  
  
Jackie and Captain Black followed Uncle's trail. Sure enough, it led to the area in which the Book of Ages was located. Thankfully for them, Uncle had stopped to relieve himself in the bush, and Jackie had caught up to him. Uncle was not going anywhere. Or was he? Yeah. He was out of there with the snake talisman. Captain Black and Jackie followed the impressions of his footprints all the way to the temple where the Book of Ages was located.  
  
The fight for the Book of Ages was not a pretty one. Punches were actually thrown, but Uncle was able to use his Japanese stun spell to freeze Jackie and Captain Black in their tracks. He then picked up the pen and began to write his magic words. Jackie figured that this was it, and prepared to say goodbye to the world when everything went black.  
  
Jackie awoke in his own bed. He saw Captain Black standing over him. "Jackie - is there a problem?" he asked. Jackie looked relieved. "No - it was all just a dream." Or was it? Jackie looked out the window to see Uncle with his pants around his ankles - where there was normally an American Flag! Did Uncle really get the Book of Ages? Jackie couldn't believe it, so he turned on the TV.  
  
"San Francisco has been declared the nude-est city on the planet by president Uncle today." Jackie's jaw dropped through the floor. "No - it can't be! What else did that guy do?!" He got his answer when he walked into the next room. "AHHHH!" Jade and Hsi-Wu and.... someone else? "Whoa, nellie." said Captain Black as he eyed a buxom blonde that had appeared out of nowhere, most likely work of the Book. Jackie counted the events on his fingers. First there was the flag. And president Uncle. And the blonde. And Jade and Hsi-Wu. What else could he have done? There's always one more thing.  
  
There was only one more thing - but it was still one more thing. The results of the car bombing of Bartholomew Chang had given possession of Valmont over to Tarakudo. However, he didn't want it anymore. Valmont, however, was not too happy to let Tarakudo go. That was very bizarre indeed. Valmont walked around for about 20 minutes before he found the enforcers, who turned their noses up at him in disgust. Valmont was visibly upset at this. This was very strange indeed. Once Jackie had seen this, he had seen enough. Since Captain Black was busy cavorting with his new friend, Jackie recruited Valmont himself to fix this business.  
  
President Uncle had just finished his next order of business. Victoria's Secret and Frederick's of Hollywood would now both be known as "Uncle's Skimpy Finds", just as Jackie had predicted. President Uncle had also just declared pants illegal. What a guy. Jackie and Valmont really didn't have time for this ridiculosity, so they hurried it to the airport as quickly as they could. Who could be in front of them but Daolon Wong, also trying to get to Australia to fix things, seeing as how his enforcers were now in love with him! A band of three was born.  
  
Jackie, Valmont, and Daolon Wong discussed their plans. Valmont would make only women love him, Jackie would put Uncle back to normal, and Daolon Wong would get his enforcers off of him. It was a great plan - until President Uncle got word of it and dispatched his forces to Australia to stop them.  
  
Naturally, Uncle's military forces included 900,000 GnomeKops. Jackie couldn't, for the life of him, figure out why anyone would want 2 GnomeKops, let alone almost a million. He found out when they all boarded the plane and made it dip into the ocean. Only Daolon Wong's chi spell kept the group afloat till they got to Australia. That's when President Uncle decided to take action himself.  
  
Jackie, Daolon Wong, and Valmont arrived at the temple which contained the Book of Ages. Uncle stopped them at the door. "You people are not going any further! Uncle's changes will be forever! Jackie! You wish you had J-Team now, huh?" As a matter of fact, yes he did - but he had to make due with Daolon Wong and Valmont. Not exactly El Toro Fuerte and Viper, though Valmont did have just about as many suitors, if not more. They did a pretty good job though - they distracted him while letting Jackie get through to the Book of Ages. It was time to rewrite history - and this time, for the better.  
  
Jackie began to write. "Daolon Wong's enforcers did not love him. Jade and Hsi-Wu detested each other. Valmont only loved women. Everyone who loved Valmont before loves him again. Uncle is not president. He is an antique salesman, and the American Flag is normal." Valmont stopped him. "Excuse me, but I don't like that line about everyone loving Valmont. Let's see how you react when you get valentines from a FLOATING HEAD!" Daolon Wong just laughed - then used his chi magic to erase the "WO" in women with no one noticing. He then decided that was too mean and put it back. Uncle was not going to let Jackie get away with this, but Jackie then added "Uncle cannot write in this book again." He then shut the book, and everything went black, much like it had before.  
  
Jackie awoke again. Captain Black was once again at his bedside. "Was that all a dream?" Jackie asked. "AIYA! NO IT WASN'T! YOU BUM!" Uncle screamed from the next room before seeing the calendar. "AIYA! SAINT PATRICK'S DAY!" He scrambled out of the room. Jackie got up to see if everything was normal. Jade was her normal, stupid but single self. Ratso and Finn were trying to get Valmont to accept their Saint Patrick's day gifts. The American Flag was Stars and Stripes. The president was himself. The buxom blonde was still talking with Captain Black. "Oops..." started Jackie, but Captain Black stopped him. "Don't worry Jackie - if it's not broke, don't fix it!"  
  
What diabolical scheme is Uncle planning for the remainder of St. Patrick's Day? What does it have to do with Jade's old Leprechaun costume? And who's posting naked pictures of every single character on the internet - is it Daolon again? Find out the answers to at least one of these questions in the next chapter! 


	8. A Misadventure About Big V In Verse

Chapter 8 - Very Late Jackie in verse - could it get worse? (Slashes indicate all the breaks in the lines where poetry fits to make verses just fine)  
  
I don't own JCA / Though it seems that I should / Own the cartoon that makes Kids WB so darn good.  
  
Seven siblings of Shendu / Who were out on the prowl While Tarakudo's gen'rals / stood there with scowls So many a villain / A sight to behold How stupid was Jackie / to stand and not fold When faced with the future of being deceased Or the chance of becoming Po Kong's future feast  
  
Valmont in his office / Hiding from Finn and Ratso and Chow / Who always did grin When thinking of Big V / in his nice suit They really did think that Valmont was cute  
  
And so it would seem / that a knock on the door caused Big V to fall down / onto the floor. But it wasn't the enforcers / Finn, Ratso, or Chow But a man who offered to get V out now And safe from his minions who could not get a clue His savior went by the name of Hak Foo.  
  
Elsewhere in San Fran / A pervert at work Posting pictures of Jade on the 'net. / What a jerk! Only one man could be / This disgusting and wrong That degenerate geezer / Yep, Daolon Wong A voyeur and sicko / A Peeping Tom Too Daolon Wong was a deviant / a freak through and through  
  
This took the cake though / The sick deed this time The pictures of Jade weren't just wrong - they were slime Of her in her bunny suit / One Halloween Where Jackie had painted her face all up green (What did you expect me to say there ya scum? Naughty pictures of minors? You dirty ol' bum)  
  
But back to the story / of Shendu and co The ones who loved Valmont / Could not let him go Tso Lan, for example / was making a spell That would make Big V's life / a true living hell. He had Shendu's teeth / And a slipper of gold To make history repeat / He was truly bold To attempt such enchantments / That could create doom Or injury, trauma, or just a big BOOM We'll get to him later though / You wait and see Tso Lan's got a big gift in store for Big V.  
  
Uncle was dressed / In a leprechaun's garb He was skillfully avoiding / All Jackie's barbs "Why do you do this?" Jackie asked the good man "AIYA!" Uncle screamed. "Because I am a CHAN!" And with that / The old man skipped right out of the door And left Captain Black as the head of the store.  
  
Jackie ran after him just as fast as he could He knew Uncle could be up to no good Running through San Francisco / On March 17 As a leprechaun old man / He'd be seeing green and possibly black / and some ugly blues too 'Cause the parade was no place for such a big foo' And as Uncle began to lead the floats by Jackie caught him / and left the parade high and dry.  
  
Uncle sat in his room / clearly miffed at his niece And his nephew / who had called the police And made sure that the senile / Uncle of Chans Would not make any more / Masterful plans But not even the police / Could stop him for long As he placed a call to that / Wizard Man - Master Fong  
  
Master Fong told him / "Patience, my erudite friend" Jackie and Jade / Will get theirs in the end. And so Uncle sat on his bedpost with glee Happily thinking / of what he would see When what went around came around and Jackie would find His niece and himself / trapped in quite the bind.  
  
Hsi Wu was thinking / of Valmont again And he kept thinking / "Oh, when, Valmont, when Will you accept me, and take my advance? And let me come with you to see Paris, France?" Only thoughts such as these / could run through his head And certainly no thought / of Big V being dead The sky demon loved him / at least guessed he did Big V thought of him as a nuisance - a kid! El Toro and Paco / were dancing with glee For they had just got into a concert / for free Not only a concert / but wrestling, to boot Though they were the only ones who gave a hoot And Viper came with them / to lend them a hand In case they needed to make one last stand It looked like they might, for the first men to show Were six Oni Generals / of Tarakudo.  
  
Big Kahuna had sent them along on their way He did not want those six / Ruining his day The day where he'd finally / Get Valmont at last But he'd have to move quickly / He'd have to move fast  
  
For Tso Lan was at it / Once more, and again He knew that his brothers / Were Valmont's true bane. But he'd make it worse / If he had this one shot If this worked out right / Valmont's mind surely'd rot And work out it did / And the smoke rose to show The return of the son of Shendu - Drago! From the future it seemed / He'd been freed to find The father who'd left him and cost him his mind.  
  
This Drago - this boy on a hunt for his Pa Did find him - or found something he saw To look strangely similar to the great Commandant Shendu - Or in this case... Valmont  
  
"Father!" He yelled at the top of his voice Valmont knew that he had / no other choice But to run for his life / Or gain one more weight He hated these suitors / By God, he was straight! And so Valmont took his shoes / and boy did he run Right into Drago's Father / Shendu - a Dragon! Only one thing could save / Valmont from his fans A senile man / With the name Uncle Chan!  
  
Like Tarzan / The old man swung by on the rope Even though he saved Valmont / He looked like a dope. "An old man in a loincloth?" Sneered Valmont as he Took off from the Dragons / Who so wanted to be As near to the Brit as they possibly could, Though he did have a 'tude unlike any man should.  
  
And Uncle kept swinging / Through vines and through trees And Valmont was screaming / "Oh, put me down, please!" It wasn't their day / As a guy crossed their path It seemed as though Uncle / Had Tarakudo's wrath. "Give me my Valmont" / He yelled very loud So much so that his voice invited a crowd Valmont's suitors, it seemed, they all were in truth But Drago, he thought this crowd was uncouth. And he saved good ol Big V / He also saved Unc And Uncle did give him a gift - a big skunk! Just in time, it would seem / For Jade to arrive And Jackie / To see their Uncle alive!  
  
And Uncle did throw the skunk high in the air And when it ignited / It caused quite a scare The mayor of San Fran / Thought "Terror's at work! We must find them out! / Wherever they lurk!" So Uncle had started a city-wide lock down of everywhere / And it was quite a shock For Jackie to realize that he couldn't leave And Uncle to realize that he'd been deceived "Aiya!" He did cry! "Aiya!" Once again "Master was wrong! All's not well that ends!"  
  
Can Uncle get out of the mess he has made? Can Jackie? Can Valmont? Can Drago? Can Jade? You'll have to find out / In the ninth chapter here It won't be in verse / I can promise that, dears. But you'll have to wait / for this is all I can do. So if you want more, please read - and review! 


	9. Calling It Quits?

I do not own Jackie Chan. I do not plan to dry up the Ganges River. I don't even own any space on DemonUncle or Spleef's webpages (if you two want to use the fic you can use it). One more thing - I don't own any talismans. I also don't own Reno 911 - though I really wish I did.  
  
This is gonna be it. The last Random Misadventure of Uncle Chan. I hope you guys enjoyed it while it lasted! After this, I'll be able to get on to some other things I've been thinking about.  
  
Why doesn't fanfiction allow the posting of links?  
  
Authors Notes: This will not be in verse. No matter what the demand.  
  
A long time had past since the San Francisco traffic incident. Uncle had served his 60 day prison term, and agreed to do community service for 10 months. With that out of the way, he could begin his misadventures again. What would he do, though? All the talismans and oni masks were locked up in Section 13. Drago had been foiled. All the demon world portals were closed. Daolon Wong was safe behind bars (for indecent exposure). Valmont had put a restraining order on his enforcers. What was there to do?  
  
Uncle thought back to his teachings with Chi Master Fong. What was it the wise old man once said? Ah yes. "When all else fails, fake your own death." Chi Master Fong, or as he preferred to be called in his later years, the Real Slim Shady, had a very unique way of teaching.  
  
How would Uncle fake his own death? It seemed to be easy enough. Uncle had enough chi magic in his room to fake the deaths of every single person in San Francisco. First he needed a pinch of salt. Then he would add some curry powder and a gerbil named "Graham Norton." The spellbook distinctly had it written that way. After that, he would need two cups of milk, three ounces of iron, seven tulip petals, and six gallons of alcohol. Guess which one wasn't needed for the spell itself...  
  
Uncle mixed the spell. It had a strange red aura about it, and it fizzed. That's what he needed though. He poured the liquid on the ground and pink smoke began to rise up. After inhaling the pink smoke, Uncle collapsed to the ground, seemingly dead. A puddle of red liquid lay under him. This was the exact scenario Captain Black walked in to find. All he could say was "Whoa nellie."  
  
Captain Black couldn't believe Uncle was dead. It couldn't be. Not the old man! Captain Black quickly rummaged through Uncle's stuff to see if there was anything - anything at all that suggested that the Chi Wizard had faked his death. He found it, allowing him to breathe again. He also found a note saying "Captain Black or Tohru - if you find this note, destroy it. I am faking my own death. Do not tell Jackie or Jade. This will be funny. Go along with it. Do not tell anyone, actually. Tell no one. One more thing. Invite Mama Tohru to 'funeral'."  
  
Captain Black sighed and quickly gathered a false "composure." Jackie was home and needed to know of his Uncle's "death." Or something like that. Whatever the old man had planned was going to be pretty interesting. "JACKIE! JACKIE! THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOUR UNCLE! I THINK HE MAY BE DEAD!" Captain Black was screaming at the top of his lungs as he ran down the stairs. Jackie dropped the pot of coffee he was brewing - on to Jade. He stood there in shock for a few seconds before running up the stairs. Jade followed him almost immediately.  
  
Jackie couldn't believe his eyes seeing his Uncle lying "dead" on the ground. In fact, he didn't believe it. He knew Uncle was faking it, but he just couldn't prove it. What was he going to do, throw him out a window? He tried all the ridiculously vile tactics he could to wake him up, from banging a gong in his ear to making him watch Fahrenheit 9/11. Nothing, no matter how horrible, could rouse Uncle from the spell he had put on himself. Uncle's spell had worked too well.  
  
"Uncle! Oh, Uncle! Why won't you wake up?!" Jackie sobbed into his Uncle's shirt when his niece grabbed his attention. "Jackie? There are Shadowkhan outside. And they're... um... belly... dancing." This isn't what Jackie needed on what could have been the worst day of his life. He walked outside to see Finn leading a bunch of Bellydancing shadowkhan, hoping to impress Valmont. Even after a year or so, Finn hadn't given up hope. Jackie tossed him outside and sent the Shadowkhan on their way. Jackie was too concerned with his Uncle to be dealing with childish stuff like this.  
  
Uncle was asleep for a week. After 5 days, Jackie had decided to call the funeral home - apparently, the spell had masked his pulse. The funeral home director was to bring Uncle's coffin to the Chan household and then bring it to Uncle's preferred burial spot - in front of his rival's antique store - so he could claim it was haunted. As his body was placed in the casket, Uncle begin to stir, but it was not until the lid was closed and locked that he finally realized what had occurred. For some reason, Mama Tohru seemed relieved.  
  
As if on cue, as soon as Jackie and Jade turned their backs and the casket began to lower into the ground, a loud banging noise began to emanate from the casket in which Uncle was placed. "AIYA!" the coffin seemed to cry out. "AIYA! Jackie, get me out of here!" The banging continued, and Jackie just looked on, dumbfounded. Was his Uncle trying to contact him from beyond the grave, or was he just high? It didn't occur to him that his Uncle was still alive. Instead, he shuddered and asked the funeral workers to lower the coffin. Uncle heard his nephew, and was absolutely furious. His words didn't help him, however, as the casket was covered in soil six feet underground.  
  
After witnessing this display, a thought hit Captain Black. Uncle was still alive! He was only faking his own death that previous week! He tried to get Jackie to snap out of his daze, but it was no use. Jackie was immobile, Jade was seemingly dumb (read: mute), and Uncle was buried alive! What could he do?  
  
"What can I do?" thought Valmont as he raced to his lawyer's office. "These restraining orders expire any minute! Those enforcer goons will be after me again, as will those dragons! Oh, this is worse than the "Uncle-flavored Condom" venture I tried a few years back!' His pulse quickened as the clock wound down. 10. 9. 8. Seven. 6. Time seemed to slow down for the Brit. Five. Four and a half. Four. Three and two thirds, and so on. As the clock hit 9:00:00, Valmont rushed out of his car and into his lawyer's building. Unfortunately for him, he was accosted by two men that looked oddly like... oh no - not already - it couldn't have been, but it was. He was accosted by two men that were most decidedly Tarakudo and Ikazuki. Two men that were most decidedly Tarakudo and Ikazuki in bright orange speedos.. Valmont's life was ruined again as they forcefully dragged him out of the office and back to their hideout. Luckily for Captain Black, that hideout just happened to be a graveyard where a certain man was recently buried alive.  
  
The sight of two demons in speedos was enough to get Jackie back in the game. This was Augustus' cue to inform Jackie that his Uncle was not, in fact, dead. Both Jackie and his niece could not believe what they were hearing. The screams still coming from Uncle's casket were Uncle? How were they supposed to get him out of there?  
  
Jade began by digging with her hands and making her obligatory grunts. Jackie picked her up and moved her aside as Tohru came by with a shovel. He and the randomly appearing El Toro Fuerte quickly excavated the casket from the ground - but there was another problem - the coffin was bolted shut, and Uncle was still as loud as a banshee. Nothing the group did would open the bolts sealing Uncle inside. Nothing, that is, until the emergence of a giant donut which crushed the casket to reveal the senile old man, somehow covered in body paint.  
  
Captain Black looked around. Who or what could have sent a giant donut rolling down to their location? Was it Valmont? Was it one of the demons locked in section 13? His question was answered by none other than the Monkey King and his parade of chickens. Jackie slapped his forehead in disgust as the great ape made his way towards the group.  
  
"So, y'all? Are you ready to be menaced? I do proclaim myself to be the biggest menace to society that has EVER walked the globe!" Everyone just stood there and laughed as the zookeeper slowly walked behind the Monkey King before ensnaring him with a net. The "menace to society" couldn't do much damage in the zoo.  
  
Jackie then realized his mistake. He had turned his back on Uncle for more than 18 seconds, which meant - yep - he was long gone. The gang hopped in the Section 13-mobile and took off through the streets of San Francisco. They found him being "accosted" by the cast of Reno 911. Well, actually, it was only Uncle and Lieutenant Dangle debating the merits of short shorts. This was a conversation that didn't need to happen, so Jackie pulled his Uncle into the vehicle and drove him back home.  
  
Valmont was having no fun. He was propped up on a lab table in section 13. Every single one of his stalkers was here, and the First Annual Valmont Classic Battle Royal was about to begin. Valmont preferred the name "First Annual Valmont Memorial", but it didn't stick. The winner of the fight was to be Valmont's lover for the next year. The fight began with Tarakudo tossing a quick right hook in the direction of Po Kong. (What direction isn't in the direction of Po Kong, you might ask)  
  
The melee continued. A ring had been set up in section 13 by El Toro Fuerte, and whoever went over the top rope was eliminated from the FAVCBR. First went Origami, because he sucked. The same applied to Bartholomew Chang and that Oni General whose mask got split in half. Punches were flying everywhere - even animé and movie crossovers got into the act and made the whole thing silly (not that it wasn't already). The field began to become more and more clear as more people were eliminated, and the crowd (read: Valmont) was incredibly nervous of the result. Especially nervous because the enforcers had yet to be eliminated, with the exception of Hak Foo, who was eliminated by Captain Jack Sparrow, who got tossed by Steve Irwin. He was in turn eliminated by one of Yu Yu Hakusho's Toguro brothers, who Valmont decided to shoot before he could win. Ratso finally eliminated the last TV show crossover, the Teen Titans' Mad Mod, much to the relief of Valmont. However, he still wanted Ratso eliminated.  
  
Valmont got his wish as Ikazuki tossed Ratso over the top rope and on to Valmont himself. After a quick hug, Ratso found himself tossed off of Valmont and through a wall by Hak Foo. Soon, the field was down to Chow, Finn, Gan, Tarakudo, Ikazuki, Shendu, Hsi Wu, and Drago. "Great..." Big V thought to himself. "The 8 people I want LEAST to win this..."  
  
The field was down to three now. Finn, Tarakudo, and Hsi Wu were going to battle for Valmont. Tarakudo began by breaking Hsi Wu's wings, rendering it impossible for him to stay in the air. He collapsed to the ring floor. Tarakudo and Finn decided to pick him up and hoist him over the top rope. They didn't account for getting caught on Hsi Wu's wings though, and the force of Hsi Wu's fall brought all three of them over the top rope and on to the floor. The winner of the first Valmont Invitational was... no one! Valmont was ecstatic. He was free of his stalkers for another year! In that time, he could pick up another restraining order! But it was not to be. Hak Foo was researching the rules of the tournament (made up by Tarakudo an hour earlier) and it stated that if no one was to win, then EVERYONE could be Valmont's lover. The camera slowly panned out of section 13 as a bloodcurdling, British accented scream was heard.  
  
The camera panned into Uncle's Rare Finds. It seemed as though Uncle had finally given up. Causing havoc throughout the West Coast of the United States was too much work for an old man to do. He looked at Jackie, apologized, and walked resigned back up to his room. The Days of Uncle were finally over and Jackie could relax. And relax he did, until the doorbell rang.  
  
"Hello. Are you Jackie Chan?" asked the person at the door. "Yes." replied Jackie simply. What could this person want? The man at the door eyed him strangely and laughed. "Well, I just came by to inform you that you won a lifetime supply of skimpy lingerie and Viagra, Jackie! Your contest entry is here with me and so are your prizes! Have a nice day, Jacqueline!"  
  
Jackie paused, and then yelled as loud as he could. "UUUUUUUNNNNCLLLLLEEEEE!"

Uncle laughed and laughed before Jackie chased him out of the building. "AIYA!" he screamed! "AIYA!". He stopped, turned, and two-finger slapped Jackie "One more thing - AIYA!" And he was off again, the same old Uncle.  
  
Well, that's it! What'd ya think? Was it worth your time? Was it worth mine? Will you read my other fics? I send heartfelt thanks to anyone who reviewed, even though the last 3 chapters were not my best work. I'll miss all of you, but I may be back one day!


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